Often large changes in life lead to a shuffle of key players, whether it be staffing changes at work, the death of a friend, a friend moving away for life reasons, a decision to switch disciplines and therefore switch coaches/mentors, or a decision to move to a different barn. All of these changes can be tough. The exit of someone from your life is a LOSS, and loss triggers grieving (the level of grieving obviously varying with the value and emotional tie that person had with you). But it is a loss, and I would venture to say you should not discount that loss no matter how or why that person exited from your life. Give yourself some time to process things, feel what you need to feel, reach out to someone if you need support.
In my particular case, I had someone I considered a long-time friend (close to 18 years) essentially exit out of my life, without a word or explanation. To say I was deeply hurt doesn't even begin to describe it. And although I cannot get into specifics, I will say that details surrounding the circumstances have recently revealed that this person is not the ethical or sincere person/friend I once thought they were. I would even be so bold as to call them a bad person, to be honest. And now they leave behind them such a negative and toxic legacy (not only with me but with MANY people) that I, frankly, am embarrassed to have been associated with them in any way, shape, or form. Not the way you want to be remembered.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago when I had the pleasure of attending a working equitation clinic with Darcy Henkel. So much fun! Ginny and I learned a lot and made some nice progress . And it helps that Darcy has such a positive attitude and teaches well. I love how she breaks things down and gives copious amounts of encouragement.
Photography by Kathy Paterson
Thanks to the pandemic and her busy clinic schedule, this, sadly, only makes it the second clinic of Darcy's I've been able to attend so far. At some point during our session she announced that she would soon be moving to the Okanagan, which of course made me extremely sad. Another loss!
Of course we all wished her well and wished her a safe journey and were truly glad for her exciting future, but, although she assured us she would be making regular trips to the Lower Mainland for clinics, deep down we are truly sad to be losing an important member of our equestrian community.
This is the way you want to be remembered. This is the type of legacy you want to leave.
We've also recently had the sad passing of a dear farrier and friend, very well-known in the Lower Mainland equestrian community. Regretfully I was unable to attend his funeral but was there in spirit and am told unsurprisingly that it was standing room only and a beautiful service. Talk about a legacy.
Reflection 1: They say sometimes things happen for a reason. And so even though I did not know what that reason was when my friend decided to exit stage right out of my life, I do now. For about a year leading up to their departure, they had started to distance themself from me (in retrospect I probably shouldn't have been as shocked as I was when they finally defriended me, but, oh well, here I am), so the toxicity that swarmed them before, during, and after their departure would have definitely pulled me down into their misery (as it had a few others) had we remained close. Thankfully, on the contrary, my life during the last year or so has been full of positivity and growth. All this to say that the distancing and inevitable departure as friends was for a reason, and I am now thankful to have dodged that bullet.
Reflection 2: The only thing in life within your control is your own behaviour. I cannot explain or understand my friend's choice to discontinue our friendship. I cannot make Darcy stay. I could not prevent our fine farrier's passing. I cannot even control my feelings of hurt or sadness. But I can control my behaviour.
I can wish Darcy well (and I did). I can say/write kind words of sympathy to our farrier's family members. I can even wish my friend well in their future without me (because unlike them, I am an adult). And I can sleep at night knowing I am doing my best to be a decent human being. Do I hit it out of the ball park every time in the game of life? No. But I'm going to continue to try my best.
Reflection 3: Leave in such a way that people are sad when you go, not happy. Much like situation number two and three, you want to be remembered for the positive contributions you've made and the good memories. You want people to tell you that you are welcome back to visit anytime and/or to have a packed house at your funeral.
Reflection 4: Not unlike the old Zen proverb that tells the student to "empty their cup" before they can take in the teachings of the master, I feel like I had to empty my cup, at least partially, of my (now ex) friend's energy/negativity and go through that intense grieving process in order to make way for the upcoming cool changes Ginny and I have planned.
It's also made me appreciate so much more the friends who ARE sincere and are, simply put, good people. And most of all, it confirms that loss is normal, grieving is healthy, things sometimes happen for a reason, and the point is to learn and grow from all of it.
Cheers
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